The Sheltered Moose: Cats vs. Dogs

I think no matter how much the world changes, there will always be those who deem themselves cat people and those who deem themselves dog people. I've always wondered what the defining factor is that makes you one or the other -- do dog people smell different? Do they have more active salivary glands just like their canine companions? Do cat people see better in the dark? Do they crave tuna from time to time?

Probably not. But I have noticed some small communication differences between crazed cat ladies and dog park aficionados. Ever seen a conflict between two people where one person just stares and the other says "WHAT?!" really loudly? The starer, more than likely, is a cat person. He or she is desperately trying to communicate telepathically to the dog person and the dog person is frustrated by the cat person's lack of speech. Round and round they go -- very fun to watch if you have relatives that do this.

Cats and dogs communicate differently, and I strongly believe there is a profoundly simple correlation between this and owner preference. Or at least I'm spinning it this way because I had some free time, did some doodles, and had to fit them in somehow. Can we go with the first option that makes me sound intelligent? Thanks!

Cat to English Translator

Cat:

English: Hi, I'm currently trying to sleep. I am aware I am on your clothing/in the middle of the floor/in your sink/someplace inconvenient. I chose this spot thinking of you, and how you should be worshiping me instead of changing clothing/walking around aimlessly/brushing your teeth/doing that important thing you wanted to do. I am a cat.

Cat:

English: I have found a sunbeam and am absorbing its powers. I am a god. Worship me in my sun-basking glory.

Cat:

English: Yes, I know you were calling my name. I'm actually quite intelligent. That's why I'm pretending not to notice you. This wall is suddenly very interesting.

Cat:

English: I see you bug -- you are a prey worthy of my skills. I shall kill you and put you on the human's pillow. Then they will worship me and there will be much tuna.

Cat:

English: I think that blanket moved. There must be living human feet under there. I shall maim them in the cutest way possible.

Cat:

English: Hey human, look at my fuzzy belly! Isn't it cute?! Don't you want to pet it?! I want you to stick your hand in my belly full of fur -- I just love fleshy scratching posts!

Cat:

English: Look how cute I am. I am paying attention to you. Also, the food bowl is empty. If you've forgotten where the kitchen is, I'd be happy to lead you there. You can pet me as a reward.

(Not to be confused with the very similar...)

Cat:

English: Wake up, human! It's time for food. I'm going to paw at your face until there's food. Aren't my cold paws cute? Food.

Dog to English Translator

Dog:

English: I play because I love you!

Dog:

English: I drool because I love you!

Dog:

English: I pooped on the floor because I love you!

Dog:

English: I can have human food because I love you?!

As you can tell, both languages are very, erm, complex. In their own respects. Okay so maybe dog people just want to be loved and cat people like puzzling demi-gods who crave fish.

All jesting aside, I suppose dogs can have a few more complex thoughts, and I know for a fact cats are incredibly loving little creatures... when they want to be.

After reading this, can you place your loyalties? Slobber vs. fish breath? The feeling of warm poo in a shopping bag vs. sifting for litter box treasures? Maybe you don't fit in either extreme - not a cat person or a dog person.

Well, when all else fails....