How to Trim a Cat's Claws and Not Die Trying

Sorry dog owners, but this post could potentially save lives. Before you scoff, I would like to emphasize the gravity of this situation.

Death by Cat

Disemboweling
Blood loss
Dismemberment
Scalping
Suffocation (ever woken up with a cat on your face? This was a failed suffocation attempt)

Part One: Obtaining the Cat

These outcomes in mind, it is important that you take great care in selecting your cat for trimming at the most opportune time. Pick up your cat when it is in the "loaf" position as pictured below.



You'll want to have a towel and the nail clippers at the ready. Do not move the cat far from where it was loafed, but make sure you have decent lighting. I also advise wearing jeans or other thick pant-like material -- especially you men-folk. For extra protection, place the towel in your lap before setting the cat on top of it. Face cat away from your face, so your right hand and his right paw are lined up. This prevents facial maiming.

While cat is still in the calm state, extend one front paw and gently press a toe. You'll see kitty's nail, and you'll only have a matter of seconds before kitty realizes what's going on, so be ready to clip! Clip the nail, squeeze another toe, and repeat as quickly as possible until cat will not put up with it any more. Then release the cat. Please see chart below for trimming guidelines:




Only got to one or two nails? No big deal. Though trimming a cat's nails may be frustrating at first and require several attempts, it is much better than mutilating your cat by declawing. Yes, I said mutilation. Please envision someone cutting off your fingers at the second knuckle. Are you imagining it? Good :)

Part Two: The Bribe

So you've let your cat go, and it still has some pointy bits. Or, you got them all, then you remembered your cat has duclaws too, and could potentially seek revenge on you later during playtime. What now? You must recapture the cat.

When NOT to recapture:

The Angry Cat


This cat is still mad at you. You will be maimed


The Scaredy Cat


This cat can't believe the horror. The horror! You will be maimed.

The Playful Cat


This cat is displaying the tell-tale butt-wriggle -- it knows it has some pointy parts left. You will be maimed.

You haven't got all day, so what now? Your cat may stay mad/scared/playful for hours just to spite you -- it's time to bring in the heavy artillery.



These bribes are conveniently listed (from left to right) in order of highest recommendation to DO NOT RECOMMEND!

Once cat returns to the calm state through bribing, you may once again begin the trimming process. Back claws can be done through gently putting your cat into a sitting or prairie cat position and applying the same methodology.

If your cat is completely resistant, enlist the help of another person to hold your cat while you trim. One hand on the scruff of the neck (gentle but tight), remaining hand restraining back limb or limbs, depending on where you're working.

Part Three: Seal the Deal

Once it is all over, pet your cat that has now most likely reverted back into the angry/scared stage and offer another bribe. Remember that list of deaths by cat? Do you really want to suffocate tonight? Consider the bribe a price for your ensured safety and a more peaceful night of sleep. Always keep your cupboards stocked with tuna and your refrigerator full of cheese -- it just may save your life one day.