Rabbit World View

When I came into this world I was already in a home with cats and dogs. They were my siblings and I grew to love them more than anything or anyone in the world. You could say they are responsible for seeing me through my rocky adolescence safely. Then came the cockatiels - one purposeful and three rescued, shortly followed by parakeets. A few hamsters came, lived full lives, and then went. One mouse that bit the hell out of me. But not until 5 years ago did a rabbit grace me with his presence.

Rabbit the Bruce looked up at me from a plexiglass enclosure, the obvious runt out of four rabbits. I had never been one to like pet shops, but I was a sophomore in college and missing my animals at home. I certainly didn't come in with the intention of taking anything out with me -- it was prohibited to have pets in the dorms, not to mention I favored the company of cats and dogs over small animals. 

But, as fate would have it, a man walked in. Now, I know everything has to eat, and as a fan of reptiles myself I'm well aware snakes sometimes eat rabbits, but it had better be a fairly large snake so as to not get hurt, and usually large rats are safer. This man strolled back to the rabbit cage and said he had been waiting until his python reached 4 feet -- and now that it finally had he was going to give it a real treat. He wanted the runt. Couldn't wait to watch his snake crush it, he said.

Bruce was little, but he wasn't that little. The man struck me odd, and to put it nicely the first descriptive word that came to mind was "arrogant," shortly followed by "ignorant." It was one of those "you'd have to be there to understand" situations, I guess. I question reptile owners that get overly excited about killing, suffice to say.

So Bruce took this opportune moment, and I shit you not, to reach up his little paws towards me. It was as quick as scoop, cuddle and credit card. Needless to say the asshole gentleman wasn't too happy and swore a few times before picking out an adult rat. I know I probably just deterred him temporarily, sadist that he seemed to be, but Rabbit the Bruce had reached up to me and I dare you to say no to a baby bunny sometime. It's hard!

And then I had a rabbit. A creature I knew little about. Oh, but was I going to learn...

LESSON ONE: MATERIAL THINGS ARE TEMPORARY

As a literature major, I am pretty attached to books. Bruce quickly taught me that I should never ignore him for the books. If I do, he will eat them.

LESSON TWO: BARE IS BEAUTIFUL

Okay, it's not really beautiful -- blinding maybe. I have difficulty tanning. I don't go running around naked on purpose, but more than once now I have found that dear Bruce has nibbled a hole in a few strategic locations. Mostly in the back pockets on my jeans, noticed later upon feeling drafty. 

LESSON THREE: ALWAYS CARRY A SPARE

The last thing you want to do is sit down to pee in a house full of guys and notice that your toilet paper has been eaten by a rabbit. Oddly specific? This may have happened. Let me just tell you that wiping with the cardboard tube is a poor choice. 

LESSON FOUR: BUY CANDLES 

What is your first thought when your lamp is out, your computer isn't working, and your TV won't turn on? Power outage? Nope. Rabbit. I don't know if it's some strange fetish for electroshock or if rabbits are secretly Amish terrorists bent on taking out modern appliances. Either way, I can't tell you how many cell phone chargers we've been through.

LESSON FIVE: INVEST IN FLIP FLOPS

Shoelaces are a rabbit delicacy. I don't care where you hide your shoes, your rabbit will eventually find and eat all the shoelaces in your house. I hope you live someplace warm, or you enjoy the tourist look of socks with sandals. I briefly considered asking for those Velcro shoes that light up every time you step -- those were so cool when I was a kid!

LESSON SIX: LOVE IS THE BEST MEDICINE 

Early on my other half and I learned that Bruce had a need to eat everything. If you were paying more attention to something else, it must be destroyed. One day, the little ninja scooted around the manthing lovingly and the next thing we knew manthing's insulin line had been bitten straight through. Type one diabetes? You don't need insulin! Just furry bunny love. LOVE ME! I'm also surprised he's attempted this since then -- insulin can't taste very good.

LESSON SEVEN: HOW RABBITS ARE MADE

One day I came home and little Rabbit the Bruce hugged my arm. HOW CUTE! And then he started humping it. NOT SO CUTE! Fluke? No. Ever heard "multiplying like rabbits?" Well, they only think about two things, so if all of the rest of this has been about food... Yes. Bruce constantly craved love. Mostly cuddles, but then there was that need I just could not/refused to fulfill. So I went out and bought him a dog toy. They didn't have any rabbits, so when I saw this stuffed hedgehog, I thought "close enough." Plus, it grunts when you squeeze it. I'll give you a moment of pause to visualize my thought process here. 

I came home and introduced Bruce to his new artificial friend, and it took all of two second for Bruce to go from "Food?" to "SEX!!!" He went off like a machine gun. To this day, 5 years later, Bruce still has his hedgehog. It's a bit more, erm, gross now. And you can't pick it up anywhere. Rabbits apparently aren't sophisticated enough/don't care enough to distinguish the back end from the front end. 

The good thing about Bruce, though, is he gives more love than you could ever want from an animal. Do I recommend a rabbit as a pet? Absolutely! Do I recommend reading up on rabbits first? YES! Rabbit the Bruce has been such a joyful addition to our family, and still reigns the boss supreme even after the later additions of Poe and Amba, his feline companions. Above all though, Bruce is love. He is in constant want of attention, whether it be cuddling or an audience. Yes, my rabbit performs. He only knows one trick, and it grunts when you squeeze it.